Paul Christoforo's Public Relations FAIL

I have to hand it to this guy. I've not seen someone FAIL so spectacularly in quite a while. Paul Christoforo, president of Ocean Marketing has basically FAILed his way into Internet infamy with a scathing response to a customer of one of the companies Ocean Marketing was hired to provide PR services for.

I'm just going to take one of the nasty e-mails that Paul wrote, and dissect it for the sake of providing humor to all, and "free PR" to Paul. My commentary will be inserted, in italics. - Note: Some mobile web browsers do not support italicized text.

Here's the e-mail I'm dissecting (via Penny Arcade): 

LOL Thanks for the Free PR (Wait, why is "Thanks" or "Free" capitalized? Looks like I'll be playing the Grammar Nazi card, considering this guy is supposedly the president of this PR firm, and claims to be a professional) I know the Editor N Chief of Kotaku , (Space-comma-space, you also FAIL at English, Paul.) IGN , (Where's the "and"?) Engadget (Not to mention all three basically told Paul to fuck off for being an unprofessional douchebag. See the IGN reply here) I’ll be meeting them at CES .The noise complaint was for people high up on the food chain in a corporate world of real estate you have no clue about. (What the hell does real estate have to do with game controllers?) Thanks for the Rice Rocket Compliment too love me some motorcycle . (Me so speedy, me rev you long time.) Send that over to Engadget you look like a complete moron swearing and sending your customer service complaints to a magazine as if they will post it or even pay attention (Ironically, it did get posted, but by Penny Arcade. Engadget wouldn't even want to tarnish their good name by even giving you the time of day, Paul.) do you think you’re the first or the last what are they going to do demand us to tell you were your shipment is or ask for a refund on your behalf … Really ... Welcome to the Internet ? (Welcome to the Internet, Paul, you've gotten lots of "Free PR", and not the kind you wanted.) Son Im 38 I wwebsite as on the internet  when you were a sperm in your daddys balls and before it was the internet (Son, I'm 21. I also managed to pass my high school English course. I wwebsite as on the Internet when you were spilling your sperm on the carpet while watching crappy VHSes starring Ron Jeremy.), thanks for the welcome to message wurd up.  Grow up you look like a complete child bro. (Grow up, you write like a complete child, bro.) I Don’t have my controller so im gonna cry to the world … Really ?? Hey take that free time and do something more productive. (He did. He wrote to the email address N-Control set up for customer inquiries, asking as to where the product he paid for with his money is.) All you had to do was check the like everyone else , people have inquired but you’re the douchiest of them all J (Actually, it seems that you are the doucheist of them all, Paul.) 

To all our pre-order customers looking for information on the status of their orders after a busy couple of months The PS3 Avengers are on their way from our Manufacturing plant overseas. We are aware that everyone is anticipating having their Avengers under their Christmas Tree and were doing our best to get these orders shipped out as fast as possible. We appreciate you as loyal customers and for supporting our company. Customers will start receiving their products this week before Christmas and After Christmas and into the New Year. As a token of our appreciation we are offering all our pre-order customers and new customers 10$ off your next order with us just enter Avenger1001 at Checkout. Thank you and Happy Holidays! (Why did you even bother adding this boilerplate message to an e-mail sent to a single person, unless you were well aware the whole thing was going to get massive public attention?) 

Oh and FYI When a street date gets pushed by a publisher on a video game you pre ordered do you cry to them too ? (No, because I usually don't pay the full price in advance for a pre-order. In the event that I did, then yes, I do complain. If you paid me today for a blowjob tonight, and I didn't suck your dick for a whole month, and did what I pleased with your money in the meantime, wouldn't you get upset?) 

You just got told bitch … welcome to the real internet (You just got told, douche, welcome to the real Internet. We do not forgive, we do not forget.) check kotaku in 2 weeks when they are reviewing free PS3 Avengers we send them as well as G4 (You mean the G4 whose employee Kevin Kelly wrote this?) and all the other majors hell yeah , don’t forget to check Amazon, gamestop.com, play n trade , Myers , Frys and a ton of other local stores coming your way you think you speak for billions son your just a kid you speak for yourself no one cares (You speak for yourself Paul, no one cares anymore.) what you think that’s why were growing and moving 20-50 thousand controllers a month. We do value our customers but sometimes we get children like you we just have to put you in the corner with your im stupid hat on. (We do value our PR firms, but sometimes we get children like Ocean Marketing that we just have to put in the corner with their "I'm a douche" hat on.) See you at CES , E3 , Pax East ….? (The PAX East that you've been banned from?) Oh wait you have to ask mom and pa dukes your not an industry professional and you have no money on snap you just got told. (If he had no money, how did he order any of these controllers? Or is that a stereotype of the gaming industry's consumer? If it is, then why are you bothering, aside from making money?)

Well, there you have it. Douchebag Paul Christoforo has managed to successfully take his career Titanic, where it shall lie at the bottom of the great digital ocean of the Internet for all eternity, as a cautious reminder to all: Don't be a dick.
Oh, and here's a screencap of a Twitter message that Ocean Marketing posted and then deleted: 

Homeopathic Cranks

So, I took about 15 minutes out of my time this evening, and did a little bit of Googling on "homeopathy". With just a quarter of an hour of research, I have learned that homeopathy boils down to three basic ideas:

1. The "law of similars". The idea here is that whatever is the cause of your illness, or is similar to it, is also the cure. Have insomnia? Give them caffeine. Radiation poisoning? Give them depleted uranium! Have AIDS? Give them sex with Freddie Mercury.
2. The "law of potentization". The idea that you make something stronger by diluting it with water. And 40% grain alcohol, making it essentially 80-proof vodka. And why water? That brings us to idea three, that
3. Water has memory. No, seriously, that's what these morons believe. That water maintains a memory of whatever plant or animal or chemical or turd it was once part of. Oh, and this is enhanced by shaking it around a bit. Sorta like driving down a bumpy road. Or setting it on the bed while you make sweet, sweet love. Or using a centrifuge. Funny stuff, this water. With that kind of memory, it's surprising we don't make hard drives out of it.

So, I got bored shortly after, and decided to confront some of these cranks face-to-face. I ran across the website of a group called "NASH", or the North American Society of Horseshi-, er, I mean, Homeopaths. They even have a fresh steaming load clogging up the 'tubes over at http://www.homeopathy.org/. Their motto is: "...dedicated to promote, represent and serve as the voice of all professional homeopaths in North America..." And I didn't know that horseshit had a voice. I thought it just stunk up the place and attracted flies. But I digress.

So, I fired them off this email:

I just saw your website. It needs a revision: "...dedicated to promote, represent and serve as the voice of all professional bullshitters in North America..."

Homeopathy is a load of crap. It doesn't work. It was invented by an idiot.

The idea of diluting a substance to make it stronger is a total load. The idea that water has memory is also a total load. If you think it works so well, why not use water to dilute the gasoline in your automobile's gas tank? Surely the water will maintain the "memory" of the gasoline, and the now-diluted fuel will offer a higher octane rating, providing better performance and fuel economy! But you won't, because you know that it's all crap.

Oh, what if that gasoline caught fire? Homeopathy's rule of similars to the rescue! Let's pour more gasoline on the fire; it will surely quench it. Oh, you have to dilute the hell out of it first with water? Well, why is it that you can put out the fire with pure water? Supposedly, because "water has memory of previously being gasoline". Or some useless shit to that end.

Water has memory? Really? So why the hell don't we make hard drives make of water?! Surely the principles of homeopathy must work outside the treatment of illness, as all validated scientific laws do. But, that is clearly not the case. Gravity works everywhere in the Universe. It doesn't stop working because someone tried to measure it out of context. Homeopathy doesn't work, even when you try to measure it in context.

So, I am awaiting a response from them (if they choose to respond, given the inflammatory message I sent them, it seems unlikely, but at least it's more truthful than the snake oil they are trying to sell us.)

Oh, and to anyone out there that believes that homeopathy actually does something for you, I have a bridge in Brooklyn that I'd like to sell you.